Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
If ‘Twilight’ Was About Dragons
I know what you’re thinking, and I know that nothing about my entire body would suggest that I’m even vaguely interested in Teen Fiction, but the fact is I’ve been wanting to write one of these Magical-Softcore-Pseudoporn books for a long time, for reasons completely unrelated to the fact that the book industry as a whole is dying and books like Twilight and Those Other Twilight Books are the only books that people actually buy any more. Total coincidence, because I truly believe in this book, which is why I’m giving all you folks a special preview. Enjoy!
Synopsis
In a sentence, this is a story about Bonita Ingénue a 15-year-old, misunderstood young woman who gets rescued from her provincial, boring life and whisked away to a fantastical world of exciting, sensual, magic and erotic, thick, penetrating whimsy. At the beginning of our tale, she leaves her hometown of Backstory, Massachusetts for the excitement and intrigue of Excitetrigue, Colorado. The kids at her new school are all impressed with how one dimensional and uninteresting she is and it’s only a matter of time before all of the popular boys ask her out on romantic dates in the hopes fingerblasting her. Even though Bonnie has her pick of the litter at school, she really has her heart set on Theo, the mysterious boy who lives just outside of town in Dragon Hills. Theo has feelings for Bonnie as well, but he also has a deep, dark secret. A deep, dark dragon secret. He is a dragon.
Sample Chapter
“Who is that boy,” Bonita asked. “He is so mysterious, and so different from the other boys.” In the distance, Theo snarled and swung his tail a few times, inadvertently sweeping the legs of a passing student.
“Who, you mean Theo?” Bonita’s friend-person smiled off in the direction of Theo, chewing gum or twirling her hair or something. “Theo’s mysterious. No one knows much about him, but he’s been around forever. He only disappeared once, three years ago, when he drove across country on his motorcycle. He’s so dreamy. He lives just outside of town in Dragon Hills.” If Bonita had responsible parents, they’d have taught her to ask questions like
“Why is he at our school if he doesn’t live in this town?” and “How old must he be if he already had a motorcycle license three years ago, when we were all 12?” Unfortunately, Bonita’s parents really only existed so they could disapprove of her young love, and I can’t even totally remember if she had both parents or if one of them died at some point. And I am not flipping back to check, so you can just forget it.
While Bonita’s friend walked off in a direction, Bonita continued to watch the mysterious and mysterious Theo. She still couldn’t quite put her finger on what exactly it was that separated Theo from the other boys, even as she sat watching him blast fire from his gaping mouth. She sat there emotionlessly, drool trickling down her chin, watching Theo for a little while longer. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, but probably wasn’t, Theo approached her, his horns pointing out like dongs atop his head, and his dong, confident and powerful, protruding from his dong-region like a massive horn.
“You must be Bonita,” Theo said, his voice low and warm, and with just a hint of mischief. He sounded the way that drives girls crazy, like an American Idol or an iPod or whatever. His eyes, the color of coals (black), seemed to be staring directly into Bonita’s soul. A warming chill sent sweaty shivers up Bonita’s spine.
“I am,” Bonita said, registering neither shock nor joy at the realization that Theo knew her name.
“I was about to go to lunch,” Theo whispered, his pointed dragon teeth looking like a bunch of finely sharpened dongs. “Are you hungry?”
“No.” I don’t feel like mentioning that my stomach is already full, Bonita thought. Full of butterflies. Fucking each other.
“No, I’m sure you’re hungry,” snarled Theo. “Let’s get out of here.”
It’s true, Bonita was hungry. Maybe she didn’t realize it before, or maybe she just needed a strong man in her life to tell her exactly how she felt, but now all she could think about was eating whatever Theo told her to eat.
Over tacos, Theo and Bonita discussed this and that, the things that kids are all nutty about. The Fresh Prince, let’s say.
“I enjoy the way Carlton dances,” Theo said. Bonita agreed, though she’d never particularly felt one way or the other about it in the past and wasn’t sure if she’d ever seen the program, only that she was suddenly all about the way Carlton danced.
“Parents just don’t understand,” Theo said and they both had a good laugh. Theo stared at Bonita, and she at him, and he at her, their eyes burning eyeholes into each other, like a bunch… like this was some kind of… like, a goddamned eye-laser jamboree, I swear to God, like, you don’t even know.
“Dearest,” Theo whispered, his eyes blazing, with whatever color I said they were before, “I wish to take you away from this harsh, oppressive world that seeks only to stifle your warm, seething desires. I ask you, with the clarity only achieved by total passion, to join me, and live with me forever, away from fruitless work of mortals, away from the laws of man, the laws of the ignorant. Join me in my tower, where the only work is the work that I shall do in the service of your whims, where the only laws are those committed to your pleasure, where the only authority to whom you must answer is your heart.” Bonita sat quietly, wondering what about Theo’s wings were different from the wings of the other boys at school.
“I’mma pork you with my dragon tail, is what I’m trying to say,” Theo clarified, mistaking Bonita’s stoic lack of personality for confusion.
“Dragon,” Bonita exclaimed, snapping her fingers. “That’s it, I knew it was something. I’m not sure if I can leave my friends and family.” It was sort of a moot point, because Theo had already taken the mouth-breathing, borderline-catatonic Bonita to his tower while she was trying to figure out tacos, but everything was cool, she didn’t really have a ton of friends at school, or anything. Anyway there’s some dragon fucking in the next chapter, so you should probably stick around.
Prologue: I’m Making Up My Own Rules About Dragons So Go To Hell
1. The Road to Colorado
2. The First Day of School
3. Meeting Theo [See excerpt above.]
4. Theo Has a Secret!
5. He’s a Dragon, Is the Secret
6. Inside Theo’s Tower
7. Seeing An Angel
8. Getting All Up In That Angel
9. Young Hearts
10. Wise Beyond Her Age
11. No One is Too Young For Love
12. Dragon Years (Are Like Accelerated Human Years, So It’s OK)
13. The Age-Related Laws When it Comes to Sex Are Completely Arbitrary, When You Think About It
14. What Does “Consent” Even Mean? Consent From Whom? The Law Is Not Clear
15. The Second Day of School
16. Thug Life
17. Trouble (In Paradise)
18. A Restless Passion
19. Fisting (In Paradise)
20. The Cullens – [Note: This is a chapter I lifted directly from Twilight. I'm cool with this if you are.]
21. The Chapter With the Fighting
22. Theo’s Swollen, Throbbing Boathouse-
23. Epilogue: The Lessons Dragons Teach Us
Author Bio
My name is Daniel O’Brien and I am an Internet Daniel. I’ve been writing semi-professionally for the Internet semi-soberly for the past few years. Writing for the Internet is to literature what aimlessly punching statues in the nuts is to karate, which is to say that it makes me slightly more qualified than your average, mentally disadvantaged homeless man. The only lesson learned in my many years of trudging through the murky, putrid swamp of brain-rot that is the World Wide Web is that I want to stop writing for the Internet as soon as possible, even if it means completely compromising any laughable sense of integrity for the sake of cashing in on the Supernatural Teen Monster Bullshit genre.
I’ll be at Comic-Con all weekend alternately reporting on the events and trolling for nerd ass. Follow my adventures on Twitter and, if you’re in San Diego, bail me out of prison.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
A vaincre sans péril, on triomphe sans gloire.
Friday, June 18, 2010
In the end, Lakers decided it wasn't over
LOS ANGELES – When the Lakers came home needing to win Games 6 and 7 of the NBA Finals to save their season, Phil Jackson went really old school.
He spliced the comedic inspirational speech from John Belushi's "Bluto" character in the movie "Animal House" in the team's video scouting. Considering Derek Fisher is the only Laker old enough even to have been born at the time of that movie's 1978 release, it was a curious choice.
" 'Over'? Did you say 'over'?" Bluto howls. "Nothing is over until we decide it is!"
Game 6 saw the Lakers play like animals back in their house, pouncing on the Celtics en route to a blowout victory.
Game 7 dialed in to the true message.
"We did it with perseverance," Jackson said afterward.
So a rally from 13 points down happened. A championship came down to the final steps of the marathon, and the Lakers had the better lean into the finish.
"It's about the joy for this group of guys that put so much work out," Jackson said. "I mean, we tax these guys. We make them go through all kinds of difficult things during the course of a year, asking them to play injured. They're a willing group, and I'm very proud of them and very happy for them.
"That's really the joy. To have put in 114 games and come out this way at the end, there's a certain sense of gratification, and that's what I have to believe in."
Kobe Bryant was as tired as he has ever looked in his career, gasping for air in the several final moments, but still producing winning plays. On the other hand, Boston's engine – the uber-intense Kevin Garnett – sputtered.
"Obviously, I saw Garnett fatigue," Jackson said.
But Jackson said Garnett's power-forward counterpart with the Lakers, Pau Gasol, was "the one guy I felt really played with good energy."
When Gasol missed two free throws with 6:49 to play, he missed them both long. He wasn't tired.
With 1:47 left, he raced back to block Paul Pierce's layup. With 1:30 left, he double-clutched and had the power to nudge the ball up to slow-mo itself over the rim and in. With 27.9 seconds left, he made the biggest effort play in a game full of them by chasing down Bryant's miss and controlling the offensive rebound.
Boston's frontcourt of Garnett and Rasheed Wallace, meanwhile, was plastered against that proverbial wall.
"We had to go away from the post almost because of fatigue," Celtics coach Doc Rivers said. "It's the first time all year that you can actually say at the end of the day we were old."
Game 7 of the NBA Finals is supposed to be about perseverance, frankly.
How about Fisher going 0 for 8 on 3-pointers in Games 1-6 and then nailing both his 3-point shots in Game 7?
How about Ron Artest stiff-arming his demons from this debut season in the triangle offense and outscoring Paul Pierce, 20-18, in Game 7?
How about Andrew Bynum being mentally tough enough to give as much as he did all postseason on that torn knee cartilage, enabling Lamar Odom to have the juice in his legs to range all over the court on defense down the stretch of Game 7?
Even before Game 7, the story of the Lakers' season was perseverance. That's what Jackson said the day before, actually.
"It's about being able to make it through the season in a good condition physically, because what happens when you win a championship is you draw your innermost self out physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally – and recover," Jackson said. "And next year to win it back-to-back is one of the most difficult things you'll ever do. It's about health; it's about being able to finish that thing. And this year has been about that for us, about maintaining our health and our well being. We've come out nicked and bruised and damaged at some level, but we're still here."
You might recall that when Gasol was taking it easy with his sore hamstring in the early season, Bryant was shredding people. The end to the season – Gasol picking up for Bryant – brought it full circle.
Bryant put out so much so early that a month into the season, his historically troublesome right knee was barking already. He sank that buzzer-beating banker against Miami – jumping off only his left foot – and the next game first donned a protective sleeve over his right knee. That was Dec. 6.
For the past 6 ½ months, Bryant has been coping with that, eventually needing the knee drained in the postseason. Just five days after he unveiled the knee sleeve, Bryant suffered the avulsion fracture to his right index finger that would be the most impressive injury he has ever overcome in his career.
Now that it's over, Bryant can fully disclose: "Without the tape, I can't grip a basketball. There are some things I'll have to figure out in the offseason, but it was good enough to get through this one."
Being "good enough to get through" isn't exactly the echoing sound of glory. Yet that was what differentiated the best and the ones who needed their rest.
"Whatever it takes," Bryant said. "to win a game."
And this championship.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Human Nature
Looking out across the night-time
The city winks a sleepless eye
Hear her voice shake my window
Sweet seducing sighs
Get me out into the night-time
Four walls won't hold me tonight
If this town is just an apple
Then let me take a bite
If they say, why, why? Tell 'em that is human nature
Why, why does he do me that way?
If they say, why, why? Tell 'em that is human nature
Why, why does he do me that way?
Reaching out to touch a stranger
Electric eyes are everywhere
See that girl, she knows I'm watching
She likes the way I stare
If they say, why, why? Tell 'em that is human nature
Why, why does he do me that way?
If they say, why, why? Tell 'em that is human nature
Why, why does he do me that way?
I like livin' this way, I like lovin' this way
Looking out across the morning
The city's heart begins to beat
Reaching out, I touch her shoulder
I'm dreaming of the street
If they say, why, why? Tell 'em that is human nature
Why, why does he do me that way?
If they say, why, why? Ooh, tell 'em
Why, why does he do me that way?
If they say, why, why? Cha cha cha
Why, why does he do me that way?
If they say why, why, why? Ooh, tell 'em
Why, why does he do me that way?
If they say, why, why? Ooh, tell 'em
Why, why does he do me that way?
If they say, why, why? Da da da
Why, why does he do me that way?
I like livin' this way
